freemotion
06-11-2008, 03:37 AM
Im a newbie on this site, about three days now. But I think part of my recovery or moving on from the "trap" I have been caught in will involve me being open and frank about myself and the stupidity of my life that was for a large part lived through the haze of alcohol. Looking at things through those all to easy to wear "beer goggles". The kick up the arse I mentioned in the title was the loss of my driving licence, I am due to get it back soon but it has made me realise just how bad my problem had got, for so long I kidded myself and justified my own drinking habits, ignoring that downward slope and self destructive course I was headed. Just like the fly on the pitcher plant.
So many times my Wife would go on at me, even to the point of taking the empty beer cans out of the trash and lining them up so I would see them in the morning and "shame" me into changing my ways. She would make sure I watched TV programmes about the devestating effects of alcohol abuse, and so on. None of this seemed to work for me, I would totally agree with her about it and feel ashamed of myself, I have lost count of the so many times I have absolutely vowed to myself "this has got to stop". But it just didnt seem to work, maybe for a day, two at the most but sure enough I headed straight back into my old ways, like the proverbial pig that always heads back to its own mire.
Yes I am totally ashamed of myself for driving my car after drinking alcohol, please do understand that I am also whole heartedly glad that the police stopped me in my tracks and I shook hands with the officer the following day. (I spent a well deserved night in the jail to sober up and reflect on my actions). Somehow something has dawned on me through all these recent experiences, I first discovered about Allen Carrs book on this website, that has had an almost magical effect on me, even though I am not yet half way through the book. In somehow unravelling all the defensive and false reasons I had programmed into my head for me to continue drinking.
Almost as though my own true self, at last, can have a say in all this.
That small little person inside has somehow been empowered in a way that never before has been. I feel this time I can do it, but on my own terms, without being forced to. Even in Carrs book he says he will not ask you to stop or even cut down your drinking until you have finished the book.
I didnt have a drink yesterday, although normally this would have been a perfect night to drink my normally 8 or more cans of beer. Lovely warm night, nice cycle home from work, feeling good about myself. Nobody else at home to bother, I did think about it but without much effort decided not to.
I thought about the analogy of that pitcher plant, that sweet smelling nectar beckoning the fly in to his certain doom. Just like my cans of beer in the cupboard saying "come on, drink me, youll feel great", but I kept that thought of the poor fly in my mind.
Well for me this is just the beginning, please forgive my long ramblings but I needed to get this off my chest. In a way a public confessional, and for me to nail my colours to the mast about how I feel.
Thank you for taking the time to read this
Paul
.
So many times my Wife would go on at me, even to the point of taking the empty beer cans out of the trash and lining them up so I would see them in the morning and "shame" me into changing my ways. She would make sure I watched TV programmes about the devestating effects of alcohol abuse, and so on. None of this seemed to work for me, I would totally agree with her about it and feel ashamed of myself, I have lost count of the so many times I have absolutely vowed to myself "this has got to stop". But it just didnt seem to work, maybe for a day, two at the most but sure enough I headed straight back into my old ways, like the proverbial pig that always heads back to its own mire.
Yes I am totally ashamed of myself for driving my car after drinking alcohol, please do understand that I am also whole heartedly glad that the police stopped me in my tracks and I shook hands with the officer the following day. (I spent a well deserved night in the jail to sober up and reflect on my actions). Somehow something has dawned on me through all these recent experiences, I first discovered about Allen Carrs book on this website, that has had an almost magical effect on me, even though I am not yet half way through the book. In somehow unravelling all the defensive and false reasons I had programmed into my head for me to continue drinking.
Almost as though my own true self, at last, can have a say in all this.
That small little person inside has somehow been empowered in a way that never before has been. I feel this time I can do it, but on my own terms, without being forced to. Even in Carrs book he says he will not ask you to stop or even cut down your drinking until you have finished the book.
I didnt have a drink yesterday, although normally this would have been a perfect night to drink my normally 8 or more cans of beer. Lovely warm night, nice cycle home from work, feeling good about myself. Nobody else at home to bother, I did think about it but without much effort decided not to.
I thought about the analogy of that pitcher plant, that sweet smelling nectar beckoning the fly in to his certain doom. Just like my cans of beer in the cupboard saying "come on, drink me, youll feel great", but I kept that thought of the poor fly in my mind.
Well for me this is just the beginning, please forgive my long ramblings but I needed to get this off my chest. In a way a public confessional, and for me to nail my colours to the mast about how I feel.
Thank you for taking the time to read this
Paul
.