Help! invited to Mallorca for festive season

[Fourbees]

Please help me through this... I joined WQD in August then predictably fell away. Struggling as a chronic slipper. Best I did was 25 days sober.

Now I'm on the horns of a dilemma... my 3 wonderful young adult sons have invited me all expenses paid to spend 2 weeks with them & their girlfriends for Xmas & New Year in Palma, Mallorca which is bang in the middle of the Med and a huge party island. I live way down in South Africa and have not flown overseas for this kind of holiday for 34 years!

I quit back in 1994 and was happy & sober in AA for 4 years in a big city with many meetings to choose from per day. But I fell away (got complacent AND never tried hard enough to get a sponsor) and have start-stumbled ever since. Now am living in a one horse town for last two years and suffering for my stupidity, when I had all those meetings and hundreds of AA pals around me. Here is nothing except for internet, thank God. I'm in late '50s and single with no family other than these sons overseas. They know I'm struggling with keeping sober but they can't help where they live... they've begged me to stop and finally have taken the 'Al Anon attitude' (good) of leaving me alone to decide.

But I know they're as nervous as me... as good kids they're giving me the trip of a lifetime to meet their new girlfriends and pals BUT they also are huge party guys and go clubbing and they're all part of the yachting fraternity there. I'm terrified of letting them down.

I'm trying to learn about Mallorca and immerse myself in the history etc, and I took the step of finding 'AA Mallorca' webpage. I plucked up courage to email them and they replied with details of 6 meetings a week. Whew.

I'm again only sober (starting today) and have 10 days before I fly on a red eye long haul trip. How do I stave off the travel craving for starters? If I stay sober for these next ten days I'm still way too wobbly to resist. I have all my AA literature and spiritual readings and tools...

This is like God handing me a huge challenge...

Any help?

[Jackalope]

How do I stave off the travel craving for starters? If I stay sober for these next ten days I'm still way too wobbly to resist.

Hi there, and welcome. It seems like you've already decided that you'll be too wobbly to resist alcohol. But maybe this isn't really the rational "you" deciding, the you who has struggled for decades, but rather your addiction speaking and telling you that if you go, you'll drink.

Of course you could decide to stay home and not go. But it seems like you've already decided to go. And that's fine; anyone could understand how you'd want to go. If you want to go and want to go sober, however, please make another decision: that going sober IS possible, that you're NOT too wobbly.

Please look at Rational Recovery on the web and also Smart Recovery. They have free "getting started" tutorials that are very helpful for many people. Go to a bookstore (or order of the INternet for quick delivery) Allen Carr's "The Easy Way to Stop Drinking." Start going to AA meetings online. Tell your kids you plan to go to AA meetings while you're there. If you choose to, you could use this time as a kick in the pants for your sobriety and have a truly great time on your holiday. The alternative is to go and have a sodden drunken time, and to give your children more to worry about.

I was nervous too about my first sober holidays; I think most people are. But they're really better than drunkfests, for all the predictable reasons.

Tell us more. What are you thinking now? :)

xoxo
J.

[Blondie]

Hello Fourbees -

I know it sounds pretty basic, but just take it day by day and don't drink. Your only goal every day is to go to bed sober. There is no better feeling for us then going to bed and waking up sober. If you make this one goal every day and keep it, you will have a wonderful holiday that could be a huge turning point in your life.

There will be lots of wonderful food and NA drinks in the Med to have fun with so concentrate on trying something new every day instead of the same old behavior that is no longer working.

Buy some bright beautiful wraps and clothes. Reinvent yourself.:D

[Kattarina]

When we are drinking we forget how enjoyable life truly can be when we are sober. Then we start to experience life sober and say, heyyyyy...that was really a great time and I can remember it! Often times we view sobriety as a prison rather than freedom. Allow yourself the freedom to visit Mallorca and experience it to the fullest. If this gift is a trip of a lifetime, give yourself the gift of experiencing it sober, being able to remember it, and look back on it with fond memories, not memories of drinking and guilt. Keep us updated!

Kattarina

[KackIsBack]

I saw you in the chatbox and thought I would say HI. I am also in my 50's (56) and have 2 adult sons, and I have been quite a wobbler too, so I can identify with your plight. This is a horrible disease, but the bottom line is, there are so many things in our life that we cannot control, but THIS IS ONE THING WE CAN CONTROL.. I didn't believe that myself for the longest time, but truly, truly, truly you can.

Since I have been such the wobbler, I really have no words of wisdom other than telling you I know in my heart of hearts that if we just do not drink, everything else will fall into place, maybe not as fast as we want, but at least we get our sanity back.

Please stay here on WQD, there are tons and tons of great people who will support you, including me.

Nice to meet you!!!

[Lia~~]

Hi--
Make drinking a non-option. You have the opportunity of a lifetime-- going to that beautiful place, but more importantly, your children have invited you to share with them. You may not get that again-- and you will ruin it if you drink, no doubt.

I keep a sign on my mirror that says, "drinking is not an option"-- I believe that. My family deserves not to have to put up with me drunk and I deserve to be sober. So do you.

[indigoiis]

This is not a challenge. This is an opportunity.

[bigsister987]

To be honest, in my experience it's not the place that tempts us to drink, but the people we are with. From your post it sounds like your son's know about your drinking issues so make sure you ask for support when you need it. Help for finding NA drinks in the shops and in restaurants, keeping alcohol out of the way in your accommodation, and allowing you to go home when you start feeling uncomfortable. Talk to them about how you are feeling. If they want to party big time, it might be worth leaving them to it, or offering to be designated driver if that's an option.

Of course, it's not beyond the realm of possibility that one of them may be developing a drink problem so leading by example is probably one of the best things a mother of adult children can do.

[Fourbees]

Wow, what a bunch of insightful replies!

You've all given me strength... now to apply your wisdom...

Yes, it IS an opportunity and I do believe my Higher Power has wryly set it before me. Gary Zukav in his book "The seat of the soul" says of addiction:

"Recognise that what you are doing when you fear that you will be tempted, and that you will not be able to resist the temptation, is creating a situation that will give you permission to act irresponsibly. Is it possible to create a test that you cannot pass? Yes." and later he continues:

"...the heart of making a temptation that is greater than you can resist is that you do not wish to be held responsible for your choice".

The trouble with me is that I'm emotionally immature and still think I can bury my head in the sand and run from the pain of life by self medicating with booze. It's a gripping habit.

Yes, all three of my sons are vulnerable to this awful gene and I see it already, hugely in my eldest, and lurking in the others. So mother pours on herself more guilt... "Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink" sitting on my Pity Potty. So yes, I do have a huge obligation towards them to set an example. This is crunch time and maybe the last I'll get to heal us all. If I blow it I may never get invited back.

This trip will take super effort but it's NOT beyond me. My addiction is NOT stronger than me.

Thanks again, please stay in touch in the next few days, I'll need you guys like a lifeline.

You may laugh but I often use strange 'tools' to boost me... I list all the 'famous' sober celebs (successful ones) that I know of and somehow it helps me say Well, if they can do it, so can I.

4Bs

[Gardengirl]

Ah, Mallorca...sounds beautiful!

And oh man, enjoying it sober and not drunk and stupid and unfeeling...priceless.

Sober vacations rock.

[no_mas]

Hi fourbees. I've seen your name around but have never actually talked to you. Your name keeps reminding me of this old simpsons episode I loved. Anyways here is the clip if you ever see me and wondering what the heck i'm talking about :)
http://www.hulu.com/watch/26211/the-simpsons-strike-breakers

[dsc2]

Hi fourbees. I've seen your name around but have never actually talked to you. Your name keeps reminding me of this old simpsons episode I loved. Anyways here is the clip if you ever see me and wondering what the heck i'm talking about :)
http://www.hulu.com/watch/26211/the-simpsons-strike-breakers

This video can only be streamed from the United States.

(I'm in Canada and it gave me this error message)

[healthyfuture]

Hi and wow what wonderful sons you have!

This really is an opportunity. I am in my mid-50s too. It really is very shabby of us to be tying one on at our age, don't you think? Somehow skanky? Is that a South African word too, lol?

I have been to Mallorca-- and believe it or not-- did it totally sober ( was alone with two of my children and I decided not to drink at all). It was wonderful! And boy o boy some of those mountain roads are crazy twisty turny-- you'd better be the sober one driving!

I also have been to South Africa a lifetime ago -- to Jberg and Capetown and Kruger Park. Unforgettable!

If it were me going, I would pledge to myself absolutely NO drinking the whole time ( make up an antibiotic story if you must). Worry about when you get back home on the flight home.
At some point we have to grow up and claim our essential dignity. This is your time!

Keep us posted!

[Gardengirl]

At some point we have to grow up and claim our essential dignity.

Yes. This is my reason for sobriety in a nutshell. Nicely put, HF.

[Fourbees]

Hi all you great people who took the trouble to help!

Every one of you hit the nail on the head in some aspect or another:

'It's my addiction (av) telling me I won't be able to resist a drink there, not the REAL you'
'Sober holidays are better than drunkfests'
'Reinvent yourself'
"Old behaviour no longer works"
'Maybe your sons are potentail alikes too and you can set an example now as your duty'... and more...

and the latest is so spot on, HF, in your '50s like me, "Don't you think it's a bit shabby trying this on at our age? Isn't it a bit SKANKY?" ... yep I know the word well.

YES YES YES. I feel like a bloated old 'lush' and you're so RIGHT. Even my passport and visa pics make me shudder. I look like a hobo.

Well... I haven't touched a drop since Sunday night so am into day 4 SOBER. With God's help I'll get at least 10 days under my belt before I fly.

I asked my doc for some antidepressants (Zoloft... had them before but of course I drank on them and that cancels OUT their good work). So that was money down the drain back then. Now if I can stay sober the pills will work.

I know as an addictive personality I can 'cross-addict' but right now I also have a very modest script of valiums for emergencies (like airports and the flying).

So, I'm having a great haircut then spoiling myself (courtesy of a birthday voucher one son sent me for my birthday in August) to a full on spa treatment before I go... deep facial, full pedicure and body massage!

Since being sober for 3 days, of course the sleeps have been great... I read in bed with a square of choc and some chamomile or Earl Grey tea and when I wake I ALWAYS mutter "Thanks you God for this WONDERFUL feeling"... clear conscience, no tight skin, no headache, no sense of DOOM.

I'm recognising that some parts of the day are worse than others... like now,(10 am) I'm cool but as late afternoon/early evening arrives, the 'cocktail syndrome' starts to call. I found that once it's past I can say the little effective AA mantras like "This too will pass" AND IT DOES!

So that's my feedback of gratitude to you all, and I'm sober for now! Stay beside me!

Lotsa love
4Bs

[Gardengirl]

Wonderful ways to treat yourself, fourbees. Keep that up and you'll end up changing your entire lifestyle...and your passport pic, as well. ;)

I love the idea of aging gracefully and with dignity, don't you?