Shift
06-27-2009, 08:44 AM
I am here to mark my official milestone - one month today. The last year has been trying, and the road to quitting has been...odd. This is the first time in my drinking life that I ever went this long without drinking. I feel absolutely wonderful.
I haven't posted much in the past. I felt like everything was already said, plus I was having a hard time saying the same things over and over and watching so many people stuggle with making a week, three days, or even a day. Myself included. I feel like I quit so many times that even starting again with the same crap in my journal was just redundant. It was always the same thing over and over - I wake up hungover, resolve to quit, and then fall. Over and over. I would find myself straying from this sight because I wasn't getting any help. At least I thought so, but that wasn't true...
(This is my story, so please bear with me...)
One month ago, after another "night", I woke up and resolved to quit. Again. I thought about all the failures of my past attempts and decided to find out why I always drank again. What was it that make me lose face and drink and not care about any of the consequences. I have read all the books, read all the materials, dumped out all the booze, stocked on ice-cream, drank tons of water, etc. But I alwasy drank.
I read through some journals and noticed some people have had great success with antebuse. Hey - this would be the way to go. Take a pill and not drink. I would be so scared of ending up in the hospital that I wouldn't drink. (Funny, isn't it. The fear of an immediate consequence to my drinking would stop me in my tracks, but the long-term (potentially fatal) side affects do not.) I called my doctor and made an appointment.
He told me no. He doesn't like the stuff at all. He saw the sudden change of emotion and asked me "if you don't like to drink, why do you do it?". Everything - EVERYTHING I stated next was an excuse. Except for one, I like to be drunk. He told me to grow up. Take your life back and quit being a baby. (Not kidding.) if you don't want to drink, don't. If you do, then quit crying about it and accept it. The choice is yours and you life with it. Now if you will excuse me...
I left feeling so angry and sad. Antebuse was my only way out and now it's over. I will drink again, etc. How dare him not help me. Bastard! I was thinking of changing doctors, thinking about buying it on line, anything to get the magic drug that I know helped so many.
I got home that night and was angry. We all know what anger does to us. I decided to open a cold beer and just show him. If he won't give me the only thing that will save me, then f%*k him. Let my drunken stupor be a lesson to him and to everyone...A*@!oles. Then I thought about the hangover, the sadness in my families eyes, the loss of hope, the anxiety, and my heard my doctor calling me a baby. (So dumb, I know!). But the beer looked so good, cold and inviting. After a few beers, I won't care anymore and then it's smooth sailing.
It was at that point, prior to my first sip, that I really felt like an idiot. It is not easy to explain. In Rational Recovery, it's the moment you realize you were locked in a cage and actually had the key to leave. I read that book twice, but it never really sank in. On this day it did. I was acting like a total brat. I was not taking any responsibility and was so playing the blame game. The decision to drink is no one elses but mine. I decided not to. That was one month ago today.
If you don't want to drink, don't. Take responsibility and grow up. Quit being a baby. This is what worked for me.
So what now? CHANGE! Time to keep changing, keep growing. I want to help others in their quit - kick some butt! Today I am making a long term plan (One month to six months) on what I can do for success. Short term goals worked great for me, but now I have to change my line of attack. Keep it fresh and new.
Have a super weekend everyone! And thanks for helping me understand that I am normal!
I haven't posted much in the past. I felt like everything was already said, plus I was having a hard time saying the same things over and over and watching so many people stuggle with making a week, three days, or even a day. Myself included. I feel like I quit so many times that even starting again with the same crap in my journal was just redundant. It was always the same thing over and over - I wake up hungover, resolve to quit, and then fall. Over and over. I would find myself straying from this sight because I wasn't getting any help. At least I thought so, but that wasn't true...
(This is my story, so please bear with me...)
One month ago, after another "night", I woke up and resolved to quit. Again. I thought about all the failures of my past attempts and decided to find out why I always drank again. What was it that make me lose face and drink and not care about any of the consequences. I have read all the books, read all the materials, dumped out all the booze, stocked on ice-cream, drank tons of water, etc. But I alwasy drank.
I read through some journals and noticed some people have had great success with antebuse. Hey - this would be the way to go. Take a pill and not drink. I would be so scared of ending up in the hospital that I wouldn't drink. (Funny, isn't it. The fear of an immediate consequence to my drinking would stop me in my tracks, but the long-term (potentially fatal) side affects do not.) I called my doctor and made an appointment.
He told me no. He doesn't like the stuff at all. He saw the sudden change of emotion and asked me "if you don't like to drink, why do you do it?". Everything - EVERYTHING I stated next was an excuse. Except for one, I like to be drunk. He told me to grow up. Take your life back and quit being a baby. (Not kidding.) if you don't want to drink, don't. If you do, then quit crying about it and accept it. The choice is yours and you life with it. Now if you will excuse me...
I left feeling so angry and sad. Antebuse was my only way out and now it's over. I will drink again, etc. How dare him not help me. Bastard! I was thinking of changing doctors, thinking about buying it on line, anything to get the magic drug that I know helped so many.
I got home that night and was angry. We all know what anger does to us. I decided to open a cold beer and just show him. If he won't give me the only thing that will save me, then f%*k him. Let my drunken stupor be a lesson to him and to everyone...A*@!oles. Then I thought about the hangover, the sadness in my families eyes, the loss of hope, the anxiety, and my heard my doctor calling me a baby. (So dumb, I know!). But the beer looked so good, cold and inviting. After a few beers, I won't care anymore and then it's smooth sailing.
It was at that point, prior to my first sip, that I really felt like an idiot. It is not easy to explain. In Rational Recovery, it's the moment you realize you were locked in a cage and actually had the key to leave. I read that book twice, but it never really sank in. On this day it did. I was acting like a total brat. I was not taking any responsibility and was so playing the blame game. The decision to drink is no one elses but mine. I decided not to. That was one month ago today.
If you don't want to drink, don't. Take responsibility and grow up. Quit being a baby. This is what worked for me.
So what now? CHANGE! Time to keep changing, keep growing. I want to help others in their quit - kick some butt! Today I am making a long term plan (One month to six months) on what I can do for success. Short term goals worked great for me, but now I have to change my line of attack. Keep it fresh and new.
Have a super weekend everyone! And thanks for helping me understand that I am normal!