Steve
11-27-2008, 04:59 PM
Alcoholism is an evil beast if we keep on using it. During recovery we learn the truth, but we have to give it, the quit, enough time to understand how evil it is. I do not know about you, but when I quitting, and when I had some quit time under my belt; I was still thinking I could return. This has caused many of us alot of unecessary pain. I wanted to return to it because I felt broken without it. Things did not make sense to me at all. How could I feel this caged up after six months. Why do I have to bare all this crap? What do I have to do to release this shit that is pent up inside me? The walls would come crashing down because I would use it again. The demonds were bigger and badder than before. Therefore, it caused me to drink even harder because I was affraid of life and what I just went through. I kept drinking because I thought I did not have the strength to crawl back out. Realise that falling and staying drunk are two different things. One is a mistake. The other is a mental mistake gone crazy- It is insanity that keeps us out there after a slip. That useless feeling that I was not good enough, it was that I failed myself, god, and everyone I cared about. I failed that day, but have another day tomorrow.
The mental part of the quit is hard when our closets are full: our thoughts, our morals, and our human nature to do the right things is hampered by the past and what alcohol has done to our judgement. When we sober up, we see the difference. Even when we were drunk, we knew better. That is another part of the insanity. Once we get to the point where we have had enough of alcohol. We throw the towel in. We just can not do this. Alcoholism's host in us loses strength. That is our chance to quit. Kind of like smoking. When we get real sick: chest cold, can not breath, we quit for days. That is our window to quit. That is how I quit drinking and smoking. Drinking worked the first time when I could not put it into my body without feeling like I was going to die. The pain I felt from the non stop binge was worse than dying. Alcoholism vunerable. However, the last time I fell, it was not the sickness that made me quit again. I just knew alcohol was not the answer anymore. There was much more time needed for me. Once I learned how to release, the six month mark was easier. Once I learned that just because I quit, that did not mean everyone else was held hostage by my alcoholism. I stopped thinking about this question," Why am I the only one who can not drink and have a good time? Is this all that life is to be? Like someone was going to answer that question. I had the answer. It was me. It was my mind set. It was how I conditioned myself to be through all these years. It is all me. It is my mind. It is my soul. I can choose how I think about stuff. I can release myself from this insanity train. How do I go about this? Do not drink no matter what. Everyone with time says that. It is hard when we do not understand what the hell is going on in our own mind. TRUST AND FAITH in those who have been through it. They are not here when I am alone with my thoughts. ONE DAY AT A TIME or moment depending how bad it is. I do not want anyone to know. I went to AA because I could not stop. I was at that point where there was no option for me. I knew I was going to drink again if I was alone with my own mind. What was killing me when I was quitting on my own was when I thought people were looking down on me. I had only me. My mind could not handle rejection. We are beat down mentally-I was. I felt like a nine year old. Routine, routine, routine, routine was needed for me to feel like I was accomplishing what I needed. Acceptance- dam, mean word is truth. Flame is hot. Flame burns hand if we get to close to it. Drinking is fun in moderation. Drinking kills us when we keep abusing it. Moderation is not in my vocabulary back than. Moderation when it comes to drinking or mind altering drugs will never be apart of my vocabulary. I know. I have tried. Spiral down each time. Fast with alcohol. Slower with others. They all lead to alcoholism. My mind can not handle alteration of my chemistry. I have a chemical problem. From caffine to nicotine, they all our over used. Freedom is earned through giving in and letting go. Am I there? No, but I am in a better place than ever. I feel older. Things hurt. It is better than throwing up in the morning trying to swollow down the poison why gaging it down to get the pressure off my chest. The missery is in the using alcoholic. Midnight, hiding spots around the house, driving under the influence, missing events while past out multiple times in a day. Three oclock wake ups to replenish our body with a pint or so so we can go to work. Seeing ourselves falling to pieces infront of us in the mirror. That is a soul ache. Knowing we can no longer go through this pain. Body giving out. Spouses pain because they love us and there just waiting for a miracle. They do not understand the missery of a using alcoholic. I can write about that all day, but that is the past person who got off of the train before everything imploded. The future would and could of been one of these: drunk driving, homicide, death, loss of family, genetic gift from me to my kids, a ruiened life for my wife. Or we can stand up and stop the genetic gift. We can be a hero to our families, friends, and do a miracle, which we all can do, that is to help someone safe there life. I know when I get down. When I fail, I start to spiral down. That is a stop button! Hold the boat and get off. I am not a failure. I am human. We will fall down. We make bad judgements. It is in our nature. To learn from our failures and not repeat is a gift for us to share with others. It is because we our human. WE CARE about humanity. The human body is made to rebound and adapt.
When we are quitting, this is about us. Without us, nothing else matters. We will not exist so how can anything else. One day at a time. Patience with yourself. We gave drinking many chances over and over again. Give quitting enough time to clear up the mind. Fix the things that feel broken on the way. With each fix, comes more reward. Give things a chance from allen Carr to AA. Stop the I in the sentences. Just do and try. Alcoholism has taken way to many. Learn and help.
PW
The mental part of the quit is hard when our closets are full: our thoughts, our morals, and our human nature to do the right things is hampered by the past and what alcohol has done to our judgement. When we sober up, we see the difference. Even when we were drunk, we knew better. That is another part of the insanity. Once we get to the point where we have had enough of alcohol. We throw the towel in. We just can not do this. Alcoholism's host in us loses strength. That is our chance to quit. Kind of like smoking. When we get real sick: chest cold, can not breath, we quit for days. That is our window to quit. That is how I quit drinking and smoking. Drinking worked the first time when I could not put it into my body without feeling like I was going to die. The pain I felt from the non stop binge was worse than dying. Alcoholism vunerable. However, the last time I fell, it was not the sickness that made me quit again. I just knew alcohol was not the answer anymore. There was much more time needed for me. Once I learned how to release, the six month mark was easier. Once I learned that just because I quit, that did not mean everyone else was held hostage by my alcoholism. I stopped thinking about this question," Why am I the only one who can not drink and have a good time? Is this all that life is to be? Like someone was going to answer that question. I had the answer. It was me. It was my mind set. It was how I conditioned myself to be through all these years. It is all me. It is my mind. It is my soul. I can choose how I think about stuff. I can release myself from this insanity train. How do I go about this? Do not drink no matter what. Everyone with time says that. It is hard when we do not understand what the hell is going on in our own mind. TRUST AND FAITH in those who have been through it. They are not here when I am alone with my thoughts. ONE DAY AT A TIME or moment depending how bad it is. I do not want anyone to know. I went to AA because I could not stop. I was at that point where there was no option for me. I knew I was going to drink again if I was alone with my own mind. What was killing me when I was quitting on my own was when I thought people were looking down on me. I had only me. My mind could not handle rejection. We are beat down mentally-I was. I felt like a nine year old. Routine, routine, routine, routine was needed for me to feel like I was accomplishing what I needed. Acceptance- dam, mean word is truth. Flame is hot. Flame burns hand if we get to close to it. Drinking is fun in moderation. Drinking kills us when we keep abusing it. Moderation is not in my vocabulary back than. Moderation when it comes to drinking or mind altering drugs will never be apart of my vocabulary. I know. I have tried. Spiral down each time. Fast with alcohol. Slower with others. They all lead to alcoholism. My mind can not handle alteration of my chemistry. I have a chemical problem. From caffine to nicotine, they all our over used. Freedom is earned through giving in and letting go. Am I there? No, but I am in a better place than ever. I feel older. Things hurt. It is better than throwing up in the morning trying to swollow down the poison why gaging it down to get the pressure off my chest. The missery is in the using alcoholic. Midnight, hiding spots around the house, driving under the influence, missing events while past out multiple times in a day. Three oclock wake ups to replenish our body with a pint or so so we can go to work. Seeing ourselves falling to pieces infront of us in the mirror. That is a soul ache. Knowing we can no longer go through this pain. Body giving out. Spouses pain because they love us and there just waiting for a miracle. They do not understand the missery of a using alcoholic. I can write about that all day, but that is the past person who got off of the train before everything imploded. The future would and could of been one of these: drunk driving, homicide, death, loss of family, genetic gift from me to my kids, a ruiened life for my wife. Or we can stand up and stop the genetic gift. We can be a hero to our families, friends, and do a miracle, which we all can do, that is to help someone safe there life. I know when I get down. When I fail, I start to spiral down. That is a stop button! Hold the boat and get off. I am not a failure. I am human. We will fall down. We make bad judgements. It is in our nature. To learn from our failures and not repeat is a gift for us to share with others. It is because we our human. WE CARE about humanity. The human body is made to rebound and adapt.
When we are quitting, this is about us. Without us, nothing else matters. We will not exist so how can anything else. One day at a time. Patience with yourself. We gave drinking many chances over and over again. Give quitting enough time to clear up the mind. Fix the things that feel broken on the way. With each fix, comes more reward. Give things a chance from allen Carr to AA. Stop the I in the sentences. Just do and try. Alcoholism has taken way to many. Learn and help.
PW