last night was tough

[wame]

Not sure what happened....I really struggled last night...I was running around doing erands in the afternoon----nothing unusual about this---and began to desperately want to stop and pick up beer...

My relationship sucks---but it has for a very long time---way before I ever quit drinking and it stayed bad, if not worse since I quit drinking....

I really am not sure what caused the raging desire to drink, but it almost overtook me.....

The only thing that prevented me---I think----is that I know that if I would have stopped and bought the beer, the only thing different today is that I would be very hung over right now....not any less anxious.....

I feel sad---that's for sure,,,,I guess I am situationally depressed...pretty much everything is good in my life except for my relationship with the guy that I live with---and that has been horrible for a very long time....things won't change here, b/c he is unemployed and watches our child---he hasn't worked in 4 yrs, and if we split, I would not be able to afford a livein nanny---which is what I would need b/c I travel for my job on a constant basis....

anyway, it's tough living with someone that could care less if you lived or died---oh yea, I forgot----he wants to be certain that I bring home that paycheck!!! It sucks being in a dead relationship....it sucks having no physical touch,, etc....

Luckily I have good friends---but it doesn't replace the intimacy you SHOULD have with a man......

I didn't drink last night, but boy did I want to......it was very hard....

[HollyJM]

I know that if I would have stopped and bought the beer, the only thing different today is that I would be very hung over right now....not any less anxious.....

Good going last night. :) You walked the AV through to its inevitable conclusion, which is one of my favorite anti-AV moves.

When we get sober, we start to see the things we can't live with, the things that have to change. You deserve a better relationship than that, and a period of life without one can be rewarding, as you work on yourself.

Seems to me your real obstacle now is finding a daycare solution. Could you move out and work him into the solution, if you trust his parenting skills? Stop supporting him and offer him a nanny wage you can afford? Get a free lawyer consultation? Because you are never going to change him, and you have to focus on the things that you CAN control.

Good luck to you, Wame, keep kicking the AV down. Drinking is never the answer. Meet this next life challenge head-on and you will feel so much stronger!

xH

[bigsister987]

Well done on successfully tackling the AV. I'm with the others on the childcare issue. There must be some tension in the house and the kid will feel it. No kid is happy when mum is miserable. Also, kids tend to replicate their own experience growing up. Do you want him/her end up right where you are now?

You have to lead by example. Try to get some advice on where you can go for help. Ask around your friends and family for suggestions.

I personally think it is even worth considering changing the nature of your work if you can do that.

[Time to Change]

Hi Wame, just want to echo how great it was you chose not to drink last night.

Your situation is tough. Feeling "trapped" and without a choice is incredibly difficult. I agree that you should take steps to start planning how to get out of that situation. I like Ronnie's idea of maybe living with friends and family temporarily? If you don't live by friends or family, since you travel so much, would your employer be open to your moving somewhere closer to family or friends who could help watch your daughter while you travel?

Great job on not drinking last night -- that has to feel really good this a.m.

[wame]

Thanks for all of the great advice.....it's my house, he lives here rent free/bill free/ even chores free---he complains when he has to sweep the floor!

I know that I should have someone----maybe I could meet someone---trustworthy who needs a place to live and could be a livein nanny....but, that's pretty hard to find.....I travel four days a week....a change of job sounds great, but after 20 yrs, I don't want to be foolish and walk away from this job especially with the economy the way it is....

I need to stay close to this site...I need to keep my sobriety at all costs....I was doing sooooo well for sooooo long.....I had a positive attitude, was sleeping great, working great, exercising, eating well.....and then all of a sudden----out of the blue, the cravings just hit me....

I am proud of myself for winning out over the AV...it's tough....

I think that if I was alone, or living with someone who loved and supported me it would be alot easier.....I know that me being alone would be way better than living with someone who is just using me....

Oh well, enough pitying myself for one day....self pity could be at the root of this latest AV attack....I need to regain my focus!

[Kirsty73]

You are doing great! You fought that battle and conquered and how good do you feel this morning, situation with other half aside??, no hangover, you could not bottle that feeling.

Stay strong and keep posting

Kirsty

[Devushka]

Hi Wame,

Nice to meet you!

I just wanted to give you support in not drinking. I know how hard it can be sometimes even when everything is going smoothly. You're in a tough bind, but you sound pretty strong.

You've gotten some good advice, that I can't really add to except that I'm sure you'll make the best decision. It's easier to do with a clear head.

Best wishes,
Devushka

[wame]

I was thinking about this when I woke up this morning...First let me say, I did not blow it and drink,,,,not even a sip---but, a sip would never happen for me, it would be a full blown drunken episode.....I would buy a case...that's how I "roll"...

Anyway, back to my story....It was my son's bday this past wk...He turned 5. We had a big party planned for this past saturday...I rented one of those backyard bouncer things...tons of kids, relatives and neighbors....all between 1-4....the weather was perfect...there was no alcohol..

I had already battled a hard craving the previous day....not really sure what led up to it...I have been writing and thinking about it, however I still can't put my finger on it...I have been reading Lia's threads about the 37 signs of relapse, how to prevent it, etc....still, with all of this knowledge I am not CERTAIN...

Back to the party....I started feeling tense and stressed...neighbors were there that I have drank with MANY times in the past....no one was drinking at this specific occasion....yet, I started rationalizing that i was going to go and buy a case of beer once everyone left and then I was heading over to party with my neighbors.....

After everyone left, I asked my b/f---and I shouldn't use that word b/c we are really not even civil to each other. we have a son together and the guy lives in my house...separate bedrooms, separate everything...

Anyway, I said to him,"if I go buy beer will you be able to drink and not smoke?" he had no choice but to quit drinking and smoking when I did b/c he doesn't work and has ZERO funds....

Even though I was considering drinking, I was in no way considering smoking....I quit that and even while I still smoked I hated everything about it...needless to say, his reply was something like this, "are you crazy?!! Why would you ask such a stupid question? You know that you have to buy cigarettes if you're goin g to buy beer!!!" etc, etc,

So I thought for a few moments and realized my desire not to smoke was way stronger than my desire to drink beer that day....and I ate a bunch of junk that I normally wouldn' t eat---cake, halloween candy, etc---laid down on the couch and took a nap.....

The night passed...however, now I am faced with these demons....I was THISCLOSE to slipping and I am not sure what prefaced the almost slip....I keep running over all of this in my mind....

Of course I am sadder than usual, of course I know my relationship is dead, of course there's a lot of things....but, I still want to correct my f@@@ed up mind process...

I do not want to drink....drinking for me is not good...I don't drink the way I did when i was 20...it's not fun, and then you wake up and you feel great...it's like this prison...you drink a ton---never really get a good buzz, sleep like shit, if at all, and then feel like literal hell the next day... I normally eat very healthy foods, however, when hungover, I am a bottomless pit that can barely even swallow, and will just eat and eat to numb the hangover....

So, as you can see---drinking is not an option for me.....

Any insight?

[bigsister987]

I think this might be one of those occasions where I would say 'don't overthink'. If the reason doesn't come to mind, then don't worry about it. Just be clear that you will not drink, no matter what happens, and the rest will sort itself out. It doesn't hurt to look for triggers so you can be prepared, but don't worry if those are not apparent right now. The longer you keep your mind clear of poisonous substances the easier it becomes.

[jonesing]

You know that you have to buy cigarettes if you're goin g to buy beer!!


he's right you know


anyway. good job

[Sam]

Hi Wame,

You are very strong and I admire you for this. I believe you are right in saying that it would be easier with support at home. It keeps me sane.

Yet, with things going well and over 1 year of sobriety, I convinced myself I could "moderate" from time to time. It didn't work at all.

The AV never goes completely away and pops up and the strangest times, for me just a mention of a coworker saying what a bad day they had and can't wait to get home to pound some drinks. You know what, usually those folks have one or two and thats it. The people like me who drink the whole bar would never say this, I would downplay my drinking.

I have a child just a few years older than yours. Keep being that good Mom, it will pay off. I too wish you could find that option to make homelife better for both of you.

My journal chronicles my time prior to my year of non-drinking, that year, and the time afterwards. It is much better sober.

Best of luck,

Sam

[Reed]

Hi Wame -
Wow, great job on making it through all that.
Hang in there and stay close to WQD.
Have a good night.

[mdianeo]

Wow, you have to be proud of yourself. The opportunity was there and you turned it down. To me that's the most important thing. I know that once I started I would not be moderate (tried that after 6 months of sobriety and a downward slide that followed for several years).
You thought it through & resisted. That's really cool.
Di

[ed blaq]

Wame,
Once upon a time I woke up from a drunken stupor and realized I had a 6 and 8 year old. Holy shit! They have been my strength for 57 days now. Be strong for your child! You can do this. We are glad you are here with us!

[BigMac]

Wame, you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders, and know what's what.

Make good decisions, and things will work out. That's my advice. Make good decisions, every day, every situation. Things will get better.

Mac