Scared...need support

[Aquaticmel]

I was arrested last night for public intoxication. I am mortified and disgusted with myself; this has never happened to me before (very functional alcoholic). This is my "rock bottom". I quit drinking for three years but relapsed over a year ago and picked up right where I left off. I am happier sober but somehow I convinced myself that I might be able to be a "normal" drinker. I have been kidding myself for a long time. I wish that an arrest wasn't the impetus to quit. I've never really clicked with AA meetings and while I've read many blogs/discussion threads on here over the last year, I've never posted. I know what works for me but this time, I need more support than I've had in the past...from people who really understand what I'm going through. I need to connect with people who are in the same boat.

[bigsister987]

Welcome Acquaticmel. Sorry to hear about the arrest. Drinking is a slippery slope, and it's is downhill all the way for most of us. Glad to hear you are wanting to get back on track and enjoy life alcohol-free.

[Roxanne...]

Welcome Mel,

Sometimes it takes an embarrassing event for us to realize we just need to stop. If you were able to stay quit for 3 years, it's a good sign that will will be able to quit successfully again.

Think about starting a journal in the diaries/journal section and stay close these first few days.

[jujubee]

Welcome Acquaticmel!

Drinking has taken most of us places we didn't want to go and accepting we can't control alcohol after the 1st drink is key. You know what it feels like to live sober...3 yrs is impressive. I know you can do it again. Everyone here understands what you are going through so stick around, read and post. You will find a lot of support.

[Aquaticmel]

Thank you both for the kind words. I will post a journal soon as I've kept one for the past several years on my own. I'm not scared of quitting; I'm worried about convincing myself that I can drink again some time down the road. I KNOW I can't. I want to be able to trust myself again. The self-loathing is in high gear right now.

[Hedda]

Hello Aquaticmel

Welcome, posting here is a great thing to do, it really helps.
Why don't you start a diary, you will get loads of support and connect with wonderful people. I was so scared when I first arrived here and everyone helped me so much. It's good to share.
Glad you are here.
Write lots. Read lots. Come here at difficult times. You can do it.

Joy and peace

[click]

A journal is a great way to start. You should also be making your sobriety first priority in the coming month. As a functional alcoholic you're probably ambitious and busy. Try to clear your calendar as much as possible this month and just take it easy. Read a book, rent a movie, communicate on WQD, and don't feel bad that your not finishing that project in the yard or working overtime at work. You've been through it before so you know it can be hard, just stay sober, that's all that matters. Glad your here, stay strong!

[functional drunk]

I'm not scared of quitting; I'm worried about convincing myself that I can drink again some time down the road. I KNOW I can't. I want to be able to trust myself again..

Hi Aquaticmel - that was absolutely my anxiety for the last n years up to and including last Sunday when I quit. I repeated what it said I was to repeat on the rational recovery slides and I couldnt do it with any kind of conviction. Since I've been posting and reading here it is changing, I am changing and I'm beginning to believe. I'm quitting and I know the only way I can drink with moderation (which is my real goal, what I really want ) is not to have the first drink. Get a journal going, voice your fears, get feedback, learn and gain strength.

[Aquaticmel]

Again...thanks for all of the support. I am fortunate to have the support of my friends and family (although most live far away). I am also fortunate because I know that I truly flourished in sobriety before and will again. I am just very ashamed at the moment because of my actions last night. I hope that I will be able to forgive myself soon. I will try to find people in recovery in my local community...something I didn't try very hard to do last time around. I think I need all the help I can get.

[Jackalope]

I think I need all the help I can get.

Hey Aqua, Why not take all the help you can find, no matter what you "need'?

It seems to me that the more ways people find to support their quits, the more successful their quits turn out to be. That's not always true, but often enough. So why not jump in with both feet and go for an addiction eval, maybe look into outpatient rehab, check out some AA groups, etc.

[Aquaticmel]

When I maintained sobriety for three years I did it pretty much on my own. People were generally supportive and fortunately my close friends aren't big drinkers. But I didn't make an effort to join a support group or meet people locally who share a similar past/present/future with alcohol and recovery. I am now making a commitment to meet others who can help me as I regain strength and stability in recovery. I just called a good friend I haven't talked to in a long time who has six years sobriety. I have been avoiding her because I didn't want to lie to her about my drinking. She was very supportive. While the shame will linger for awhile, at least I know I am finally taking back my life. Alcohol has already taken too much. It helps just to say these words to the people in this forum.

[pathtohealth]

Welcome Aquaticmel,

I was sober about 10 years when I started drinking again, convincing myself also that I did not have a problem and that I could drink like a normal person. The relapse lasted about 3 years or so, and I became so sick and tired of being hung over and tired, not to mention how I looked and how sad I felt living like that. S~ it is wonderful you have posted here and you are quitting! A new start in life is an opportunity for healing and healthy life.

Hang in there!!

[Aquaticmel]

I guess I needed to find out if I could drink again normally. It didn't matter that everything I read said I couldn't; I don't like to be told I can't do something. I'm worried about the fall out from the PI charge. But if this is my wake up call then perhaps one day I will look back and believe that this was a blessing in disguise. Not yet though.

I made a call to a counselor today who specializes in alcoholism/treatment. I will look for a meeting today. I will post on this site. Sobriety is my number one goal. Thanks for the support.

[roxygrl]

You gotta forgive yourself, this may seem bad, but it maybe a blessing in disguise, it could have been way worse. I have been arrested twice for my drinking, about 10 years ago, and still kept drinking. Right now take it easy on yourself, take good care of yourself, You are not alone, this site is full of us single women struggling and being victorious with sobriety. Hot baths, warm tea, long walks, Good Luck, Roxygrl

[Aquaticmel]

Thank you, Roxygrl. While I am fortunate to have a lot of good friends and family, I often feel alone. My boyfriend recently moved away and we decided to end things. I think I believed drinking would help ease the loneliness. It did, with great repercussions though. When I feel good about myself, I love my solitude. Thanks for the advice.

[blue angus]

Aqua, you sound like you have your head on straight and are ready.

This place is a great help.

[Aquaticmel]

I'm not ashamed of being an alcoholic; the shame comes from what I have said and done as the result of drinking. Calling an addiction counselor gives me more support. The more, the better.

I'm pretty sure I can get deferred adjudication and have the arrest expunged from my record. It may be a long process and I may have to explain myself to people at work but I have to face the consequences of my actions.

I've posted a journal, MJ's journal. Yes, I have a good head on my shoulders but sometime my intellect is what gets in me in trouble. There is nothing to analyze really. I screwed up...again...because of my addiction. I cannot drink...ever...or I will make more bad choices and find myself in worse places. If I continue, I will lose my self-esteem and self-confidence completely. That scares me more than anything.

It is simple although challenging as well. Don't drink. Embrace recovery. Talk to people who understand.