A bit of a crisis after a bit of a do

[moonbeam]

Hi guys - as it says above I'm having bit of a crisis. Some of you may have seen that I was celebrating my 100 days sober last week but I also had my fiftieth birthday on Saturday.

Well we had guests from the UK over and two other sets of friends came. I cooked a special meal -foie gras - the works - bought special wine for each course and a bottle of champagne.

Basically, we had the meal and then nearly everyone just got wasted and talked crap (I wasn't tempted).

Now -two days later I am so totally full of resentment I cannot believe it. My fiftieth birthday has gone and cannot be repeated and my memories of it are going to be the above.

I have barely spoken to my husband since the guests went home - he has watched me struggle with the quit - (I have never asked him to stop drinking) and his fiftieth involved a party and a trip to Switzerland. I hate him for not putting any thought into it at all - into me at all. Even at the end of last week I thought he might just have some sort of surprise up his sleeve.

But, I have to get over it and move on - I think this may be some sort of crucial hurdle - has anyone experienced something similiar.?

Thanks

[Dry_EE]

Hmm, the only time I've felt kinda put out by other peoples lack of planning was when I MC'd my sisters wedding and she hadn't made sure I had something other than champagne to toast with... It was her day, but she knew all about me quitting.

One thing I'd have a question about would be: how private have you kept your quit from your friends? If you planned a big multi-course dinner and wine/champagne wasn't served, how would your guests have felt? Awkward maybe? I mean, it could have been planned as a "To show solidarity/support to Moonbeam since she's quit drinking, we're having 'whatever else'...", but that might be hard to pull off if you're not very vocal about your quit yet.

Congrats on making it through. Focus on the positive, it sounds like you had a nice party with some good friends. Maybe plan a quiet weekend away with the hubby as your own N/A 50th party.

[Norma]

Happy birthday Moonbeam. I know exactly what Id do. Book myself some time off work and go somewhere I've never been. Your 50th birthday has nothing really to do with your quit other than its a fantastic gift to give to yourself. Sometimes men just dont think so just tell him nicely that he is paying for your little getaway. Whether you bring him or not is up to you, its your birthday after all.

[chowder]

Happy birthday and 100plus days, Moonbeam.

So, for your birthday, you cooked a big meal and bought wine and champagne to accompany it.

And you're upset that your husband did not think about planning something tailored more to your current needs.

I'd say that if your husband drinks often, and is accustomed to that lifestyle, and then you decided to cook a meal and have special wine and champagne with it, you're sending him some mixed signals. Like EE asked, have you talked with him about your being committed to quitting, and exactly what that will mean in terms of your activities together? For instance, if you don't drink, you might not want to make a meal with wine and champagne the centerpiece of your birthday.

My husband and I celebrated an anniversary just two weeks after I quit, and he thought he had done something special when he surprised me with one of those dinner cruises--basically, where everyone floats around the harbor, gets drunk, and dances to poorly played music. It might take your husband awhile to catch on to what your new lifestyle entails, but it will take even longer if you don't emphasize to him how important this is to you. And emphasize it to yourself, as well, by choosing a different way to celebrate, that excludes alcohol. Celebration does not require the presence of alcohol.

I know it can be scary to change in a way that affects the activities you and your husband are used to enjoying together. But honestly, a year and nearly four months into it, I can say my husband appreciates how much happier and healthier I am, and drinking together has been replaced with running together, or biking, having fun conversation over dinner, walking out for ice cream.

Just be willing to let go of the old you and know that the new you will be so much better. And as for that resentment, please go have yourself a birthday sundae, and with every bite think of us here at WQD supporting you and the wonderful path you're setting out on.:p

[bigsister987]

It is a sad fact of life that men are hopeless in this area and they need help. I know it would have been lovely to have a romantic surprise holiday and all that, but has he done this before? Is it in his character to do this? Probably not, so why are you upset now when he has merely done what he always does. Men are grateful for not too subtle hints as to what will make you happy. At the very least this should some serious expenditure on his part for the big five oh. Spell it out to him. My choice would be something in the diamond department, but don't let him choose or you will be disappointed again. YOU choose, and then you will both be happy. :)

[bigsister987]

I had a quick look for you:

http://www.fairchildjewelers.com/images/products/em-cut-diamond-ring-large.jpg

Do you think his card will take $49300!! :eek:

[moonbeam]

Thankyou all - perhaps should have had some HRT delivered instead of the wine! You are totally right - I created the whole problem myself. We have now talked about it -future celebrations will be designed to fit the new lifestyle. In fact, the first is now planned - some walking in the Pyrenees -no alcohol required.

Thanks again.
xxxx

[moonbeam]

and that ring WOW -;)

[jonesing]

that ring looks ugly

[indigoiis]

I was pissed at my husband for not doing much for my 39th. Someone told me that if I want a party, to say something about it, so for my fortieth, I talked about it for months beforehand. I also planned my own party and only asked that he "facilitate." It was great because it went exactly the way I wanted it to - he was off the hook planning-wise, and everyone had a good time.

I am also now of the mind that celebrating birthdays is really for kids. No more parties for this dame.

Now travel, any time of the year, birthday or no... that's something I will do.

[allthatkatydid]

Thankyou all - perhaps should have had some HRT delivered instead of the wine! You are totally right - I created the whole problem myself. We have now talked about it -future celebrations will be designed to fit the new lifestyle. In fact, the first is now planned - some walking in the Pyrenees -no alcohol required.

Thanks again.
xxxx
Belated Happy 50th Moonbeam! I'm glad you got it all sorted out in the end. This place is amazing, in that sometimes just airing a thought gives you the right answers. Enjoy your holiday in the Pyrenees. :D