jeffo
07-11-2008, 09:54 PM
Hi Sober, Clean, Relapsed or just plain deciding what to do it has been a long time since I have posted a new thread, I thought when I began this process fuck I'll hit a few meetings, post a couple blogs and whazzamm done I am on the high road to sobriety right? Completly recovered right? Never want another sip of booze, take a hit from a joint or take any type of mind numbing substance again.....WRONG, WRONG, WRONG
I AM AN ALOCHOLIC THE REASON WHY I AM SOBER IS BECAUSE I LOVE ALOCHOL! I love the taste, the smell, the different types one night it might be Jack&Coke, the next Jaeger but my ultimate favorite was a big ole bottle of VODKA! Beer was for socializing and kind of a deal where I would have a couple after work or put one in the counsel of my car to drink while I was driving. But if I went and got a big ole bottle of Smirnoff it was game on! I was on a mission to destroy myself and anyone in my way. Most nights I would start out with a full bottle and by 4a.m. the fucker was damn near gone. Some how though I would wake up at 6 a.m. wipe the stink from my haggard ass, brush my teeth and pray that no one smelled me that morning. They say vodka is orderless, I say bullshit not when it's seeping out of your pours it's not orderless. I would feel like shit, have mud butt, avoid everyone all day I hated the feeling but I would be doing the same shit the next night. It was a love hate relationship I loved the taste but man I hated myself the next day. I was sick but was to loaded most the time to realize it. There was only doctor, me if I wanted help the only way to get it was to make the decision to stop and not just for a week or two but forever!
What I am learning the more and more I get into this is, I was not only sick with my love affair with alochol, there are other areas that needed alot of attention. When I got drunk I would ignore those areas like all of me i.e. money, career, driving drunk, blowing up on people who loved and cared for me the most but mostly what my I was trying to do was cover up, PAIN pain that I thought hurt so bad I had to get as drunk as possible in order to not deal with it. I felt I had no other way, the drunker I got the less I felt. I loved being able to not feel! It was bliss, there were no worries no anxiety no nothing just Uncle Alochol and I. In the morning there came the regrets but I also got to use alochol as an excuse " ah I was all fucked up I didn't mean to say that" or " you know what there is now way I can get anything done I am too hung over" Perfect solution to a fucked problem! Who and what was I running from? ME, ME is the answer to be honest we all need to answer to ourselves before we are worth a shit to anyone else call it taking your own inventory if you will. I call it having COURAGE, BALLS, STRENGTH!
HI IM ME I LOVE ALOCHOL what can I say....
I AM AN ALOCHOLIC THE REASON WHY I AM SOBER IS BECAUSE I LOVE ALOCHOL! I love the taste, the smell, the different types one night it might be Jack&Coke, the next Jaeger but my ultimate favorite was a big ole bottle of VODKA! Beer was for socializing and kind of a deal where I would have a couple after work or put one in the counsel of my car to drink while I was driving. But if I went and got a big ole bottle of Smirnoff it was game on! I was on a mission to destroy myself and anyone in my way. Most nights I would start out with a full bottle and by 4a.m. the fucker was damn near gone. Some how though I would wake up at 6 a.m. wipe the stink from my haggard ass, brush my teeth and pray that no one smelled me that morning. They say vodka is orderless, I say bullshit not when it's seeping out of your pours it's not orderless. I would feel like shit, have mud butt, avoid everyone all day I hated the feeling but I would be doing the same shit the next night. It was a love hate relationship I loved the taste but man I hated myself the next day. I was sick but was to loaded most the time to realize it. There was only doctor, me if I wanted help the only way to get it was to make the decision to stop and not just for a week or two but forever!
What I am learning the more and more I get into this is, I was not only sick with my love affair with alochol, there are other areas that needed alot of attention. When I got drunk I would ignore those areas like all of me i.e. money, career, driving drunk, blowing up on people who loved and cared for me the most but mostly what my I was trying to do was cover up, PAIN pain that I thought hurt so bad I had to get as drunk as possible in order to not deal with it. I felt I had no other way, the drunker I got the less I felt. I loved being able to not feel! It was bliss, there were no worries no anxiety no nothing just Uncle Alochol and I. In the morning there came the regrets but I also got to use alochol as an excuse " ah I was all fucked up I didn't mean to say that" or " you know what there is now way I can get anything done I am too hung over" Perfect solution to a fucked problem! Who and what was I running from? ME, ME is the answer to be honest we all need to answer to ourselves before we are worth a shit to anyone else call it taking your own inventory if you will. I call it having COURAGE, BALLS, STRENGTH!
HI IM ME I LOVE ALOCHOL what can I say....